There’s a conspiracy out there, it’s one that almost no one talks about, and it is ruining your life.

Processed food, and fast food specifically, has been designed to be so delicious as to be addictive. These huge corporations have really intelligent food scientists on staff who spend their entire lives dedicated to making their products so delicious that if you have even one small taste, you crave more, and will eat more than you should.

And it’s not your fault you’re fat. Right?

Actually, that is a gigantic crock of shit, and if you actually believe that I have a bridge for sale that you can make an offer on. I only take cash. But act now because it’s going to sell fast!

Yes, the mega huge food companies generally do have a food research division that is responsible for making their food as tasty as possible. Of course, they are also responsible for ensuring that the foods don’t spoil in transit, are inexpensive to produce, and are enriched with vitamins or whatever so that their marketing team can put “High/Low in X” on the label, where X is something that is actually pretty irrelevant to your life, in the context of any given single food item you consume.

This is going to be a big surprise to a lot of you, but Big Food as they are occasionally called does actually want you to eat as much of their product as you possibly can. But every company that sells anything ever wants you to consume as much of their product as you possibly can, because that is how they make money, and that’s why companies exist in our capitalist system. Unfortunately, this isn’t a political blog, so I’m not going to get into the benefits of structuring a society around an anarcho-socialist model. At least not today.

How do companies get you to enjoy and thus purchase more of their products? By making them delicious. You know what is delicious, and something you can consume way more of at a sitting than is reasonable? A combination of salt, fat, and sugars. So every food that comes in a bag ever.

So, food is delicious. Food that is generally not healthy to consume in massive quantities is generally the most delicious of all. Why is this? Because we evolved to have a preference for sugars and fats, because they were less prevalent in our diets as we were evolving, and they are important to have in the food supply. Humans that preferentially sought these flavours out in pre-history were more likely to survive.

Of course, in pre-history, it wasn’t possible to waddle down the street and, for the monetary equivalent of a couple of hours of labour, get enough high-calorie foods to survive for most of a week on.

The more clever ones who are reading this already can see where I’m going with this. You get a gold star, but I will spell it out for the rest of the class.

It’s your own goddamn fault you are fat. You put too much delicious delicious garbage in your face. I’m not blaming or shaming you. Well, maybe a little. But I did exactly the same thing for many many years – in fact, for most of the time I was on this planet I was blissfully unaware that there was such a thing as self control when it came to food. Or mind altering substances. Or casual sex. Or anything even remotely fun or exciting.

And who’s fault was that? Say it with me now, kids. MY GODDAMN FAULT. Who can I blame for being fat and lazy and sick? The food companies? The tropical produce sub-contractors? The nightclub owners? No. ME.

If you are addicted to something, be it food, drugs, religion, alcohol, sports, gambling, fitness, or whatever, it is not the fault of the thing that you waste your life and your health on. If you feel that there is a hole inside you and if you just shovel enough things into it at a fast enough rate, it will eventually fill up and you won’t feel like an empty shell anymore…. well, I’m not a therapist. Go talk to one who has a good understanding of the dislocation theory of addiction.

In all of the things that are dissatisfying in your life, you are the one constant. Instead of looking outside you for the solution, looking inwards might be worth considering. And while you’re considering things, step away from the cake.

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